Eurovision 2022: Grand-finale: Booty don’t lie!

Due to work considerations (meaning I had to get up early Sunday morning) I didn’t hang around for the entire event and turned off the TV after the last entry was performed. So I’ll just go through the songs with byes…

France: After a third place finish last year, France was scared and decided to make very sure they wouldn’t win by sending a Satanic mass disguised as a techno dance number sung in Breton (meaning no French language entries after finishing 2 and 3 last year). I kept waiting for the human sacrifices to start and I’m fully expecting this to show up in an evangelical video about Satanic influence in popular music (as if Eurovision counted as ‘popular music’).

Back to the pits of hell with you, foul demons!

Italy: Italy has done well in recent years because the use the San Remo contest (a model for Eurovision itself) as their elimination. This year, to paraphrase someone else, they decided to not actually send a song but rather an overwrought argument between two drama queens standing outside a gay night club at 3 in the morning while they’re waiting for the night bus to show up. And I kind of love them for it. One of the performers seemed to miss an entrance but the audience didn’t care.

Bitchy, romantic love-hate disguised as a song….

Spain: Anyone remember Iris Chacón (aka the Dolly Parton of Puerto Rico)? I think she’s the animal spirit of Spain’s entry this year. She was born in Cuba and apparently decided that the way to work her way into Europe’s heart would be to dress like a stripper matador, hump everything in sight and wave her massive Caribbean booty in the air like she just don’t care. And boy did it work! Just a massive crowd reaction the biggest of the contest so far. Iris was clearly onto something…. booty don’t lie.

Spain, playing demure and hard to get….

Germany: Germany is still hurting over their 2010 win and is taking no chances whatsoever…. The stage is set up like a living room and/or recording studio and the singer goes into gloomy angry teen mode for the whole song, becoming more insufferable by the second. Teens, your supposed to be angry and frustrated on your own or with your friends, no one else has time for that shit. And if you’re no longer a teen and acting like that means you need to be slapped…. hard.

UK: Something has gone horribly wrong in the UK selection process… they inexplicably decided to send something that wasn’t complete crap. Quite the opposite, this is probably the best thing the UK has sent in over 25 (or more) years including the last time they won (which was kind of…. not…. good). A popish, soaring ballad with real sweep and really well performed. Will heads roll or is Brexit working?

Post-mortem: No one was skunked this year with nil points (though Germany and France were last and last runner-up…). The top seven in ascending order Moldova, Italy, Serbia, Sweden, Spain, UK and Ukraine. All in all very credible. See you next year….

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