Eurovision 2024: Grand Finale: Eurovision Heads for the Hills….. Literally…

Hot mess drama all over the place. Friday was all abuzz with stories about the Netherlands’ entry possibly withdrawing. A whole bunch of stories circulated involving confrontations with the Israeli delegation (widely regarded as being full of confrontational jerks) or a strategy to prevent Israel from winning.

Stories were also circulating about Israel and/or Russia being involved in fraudulent efforts to rig the vote for Israel (not sure how or if that’s possible…). As it turns out the Israeli performer is also a russian citizen and had performed (as a teenager) in occupied Crimea. There was another story about the Dutch singer being aggressive with a female reporter from Sweden…. The Netherlands did not perform during the Jury show and film of the semi-finals performance was used instead.

Finally Saturday morning a terse announcement was released about an ‘incident’ between the Dutch performer and a female EBU (European Broadcasting Union) staff member after Thursday’s semi-final no other performer or delegation was involved. The police, however, were involved and the Netherlands would not perform in the final or receive any votes and jury votes were to be recalibrated. Several other artists threatened to withdraw including Ireland (which did not show up for the last rehearsal) and a few celebrity presenters set to announce vote totals from their countries pulled out). Even last year’s winner declared that she would not personally hand over the trophy if Israel won. The Netherlands issued a statement about their side which was curiously… unspecific beyond the idea that it had been ‘agreed’ that he would not be filmed backstage and an aggressive gesture….

To make matters worse, well ahead of the contest members of Abba had categorically refused to reunite for an anniversary performance… so the whole raison d’etre of Sweden winning (according to last year’s rumors) was all for nothing.

Pull away all the distraction and I can’t help but wonder if russia is behind some of this… russia’s goal is to create chaos that can be exploited and Eurovision has never seen such chaos. Like the US russia is working both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict (in very different ways than the US is – rather than help both sides they’re trying to sabotage both sides) and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if they were subsidizing protests and trying to rig votes…

So the final took place in an atmosphere best described as ‘awkward’…. Not much of the humor landed and it was in fact the performances that were the highlight. There were sound issues similar to the first semi-final but overall the performances went smoothly.

An innovation this year was to preview full performances of the songs with byes so that kinks could be worked out and audiences would be more familiar with them.

Sweden: Very… forgettable. Boy band doing a cookie cutter Swedish Eurovision bop.

“This is fine” said Eurovision.

Germany: The singer is not… photogenic to put it mildly and the set had a lot of fire. He delivered the entry, a power ballad about as well as could be expected…

Spain: Massive crowd reaction. One of the biggest of both nights with the audience singing along with the disco duo couple (both in their 50s, she sings he pretends to play something or other).

Italy: Great up-tempo song delivered by a solo female who has a great crowd connection, far better in the final than during the semi-final. Still, I do not hear cumbia in its bouncy rhythms, if anything I hear some influence of manele (Romanian genre mostly performed by gypsies… and there are lots of Romanians in Italy….).

Eurovision turned into a hardcore sex show so gradually no one even noticed…

UK: Up-tempo discoish number performed by a solo male and choreographed by…. Tom of Finland? While gay-themed presentations are nothing new in Eurovision muscular boxers who look like they’ve been beat… up? Grinding against each other are…What’s next? Fisting and money shots?

France: Burly solo male croons and growls and howls various iterations of ‘Je t’aime’ over and over… and over. Crowd loves it.

Voting starts and is tense especially when Israel announces its votes to loud booing and when the Netherlands does (more loud booing though… not sure who was being booed).

It quickly becomes clear that the juries are going all in for Switzerland and it develops what looks like an insurmountable lead by the time the televoting is announced. Switzerland doesn’t do nearly as well in televoting (fifth behind Croatia, Israel, Ukraine and France).

Final top five in ascending order 5. Israel (12^th jury, 2^nd televote) 4. France (2^nd jury, 4^th televote) 3. Ukraine (5^th jury, 3^rd televote). 2. Croatia (3^rd jury, 1^st televote) 1. Switzerland (1^st jury, 5^th televote).

Switzerland is mostly a safe choice and doesn’t present any of the problems of the other top five (two being at war, one neighboring a possible war and other other at perpetual war with itself… Switzerland was internal refuge of choice during the last war so it makes sense now as well.

Swiss winner: “I’m gonna smash this freakin’ award to bits! You hear me?!”

Swiss winner is ecstatic and almost immediate breaks the trophy…. and I’m reminded that Nemo spelled backwards is….

Eurovision 2024: Second Semi: The Ballad – Killed by the Public in the Arena with the Dance Break

One of the filler sequences in the second semi-final was a fond look back at songs that received ‘nul points’ (did not receive any points in voting). Swedish host Petra Mede concluded the intro with:

“And if you at home can sing along to all these songs, then you know you’re a true homose… sorry…. Eurovision fan.” I no longer care that Finland didn’t win last year. Petra Mede is the best Eurovision host ever and I wish they could use her every year.

Sweden can win all the time as long as we still get Petra….

Anyway second semi final time…

A couple of years ago Spain’s entry featured a section where the very alluring Chanel engaged in a ‘dance break’ with lots of sexy interplay between her and her male dancers. It was fun with her overt sensuality tempered by her Latina temperament. Then last year Israel did something similar but I found it labored and a little vulgar… this year soooo many dance breaks.

Malta: Up tempo solo female dance number with the obligatory dance break. At least this one produced a nice meme. Song is a little anonymous and the singer, while very talented is maybe just a little past the dance break age. I’m left contemplating the large gap between her front teeth.

Albania: Big Eurovision style solo female ballad… which is not what I want from Eurovision… especially from a country which makes such great folk-tinged music.

At last! A Eurovision song tackling the stigma of adult incontinence, sponsored by Depends.

Greece: Folkish but modern dance from a solo female vocalist that I’ve liked for a few years now. Staging is made to look like a social media influencer and it works. Even the dance break worked (hopping around with handkerchiefs. The skirt she wore was terrible looking like giant space alien diapers…. but I’m very willing to overlook that. Finally the evening is taking off.

Switzerland: A song that’s been high in the betting odds. A very weird eclectic mix of pop, semi-classic head voice and rap and the very talented solo male performer manages to hit it all. And he was performing on an odd rotating disc managing to stay upright as it flipped around… Great performance but the costuming…. The top was a big puffy pink jacket (okay…. ) but then he decided to complete it with a pink skirt and ginormous tennis shoes…. no. Rather than daring it looked dumb and juvenile.

Czechia: This solo female entry is not quite an up-tempo ballad and not quite a dance number. Okay but the lyrics are about putting herself on a pedestal… Juries love girlpower numbers but this just misses, coming across more as self-absorbed than empowered.

Austria: Up tempo solo female dance number with the obligatory dance break….. kill me now…..

Denmark: Timing is so important…. Ten years ago this big up-tempo solo female ballad would have been hard to beat at Eurovision but now…. it just sounds a bit old. Very well delivered and very big audience reaction…. but Malmö is just across the bridge from Denmark so probably hometown advantage was playing its part. I enjoyed it but… no dance break so its chances are not looking great.

Armenia: The country is in trouble with a hostile neighbor that dreams of genociding it and it’s making russia mad at it by slooowwwly withdrawing from the CSTO (putain’s sad little copy of NATO). So they went all in a folk bop and I’m glad of it. Previously I had assumed the act was a female solo but apparently they’re a duo though the guy mostly just pretends to play different instruments and hops around on a circular platform. I hope it goes through.

Latvia: A big solo male ballad that’s kind of anonymous. But he’s got a very big voice uses it well and he’s not wearing a dress…. The first number with anything like masculine energy and so I’m fine with it going through.

San Marino: I’m not quite sure what San Marino thinks it’s accomplishing by entering Eurovision but the last few years have been at least… interesting so, keep on keeping on you little micro-country! This year they’re represented by a Spanish group with a pop-rock goth vibe dressed in fuschia and black. Fronted by a young woman who is what the Irish entry should have been (fun and not repulsive). I like it. But will it play in Dortmund?

Georgia: Solo female cross between an up-tempo ballad turning into a dance number….. and there’s a dance break… won’t anyone think of the children?!?

Belgium: Big solo male ballad that just misses. Some very weak vocals in the beginning so when the vocals do hit later on they start to create an audience reaction rather than release the audience reaction. One of the few male artists in this half but doesn’t stand out like it should.

Estonia: All male group dressed in black doing a folk punk number in Estonian, punctuated by weird looking Estonian folk instruments while doing intentionally awkward dance moves. I’m so in. This just has to go through, it just has to.

Israel: The usual idiots are up in arms about Israel taking part and since Malmö is the muslim capital of Sweden security has to be beefed up and apparently 1000 or more Jews have left the city for the duration. To be honest, the song, solo female power ballad, is not my cup of tea but I’m very glad she hasn’t let herself be intimidated and is staring down the Jew-haters. Supposedly there was booing during the rehearsal but that can’t be heard on the official broadcast.

Norway: This rock group with a frontwoman is singing in Norwegian and it’s folk influenced but I’m not feeling it. Not sure why, maybe because there’s no hook…. just a lot of high-pitched wailing. Maybe I’ll warm to it in the final… or maybe not…

Europe with a human face….. and no dance break…..

Netherlands: I watched a youtube video that took a deep dive into the meaning of this and why, against all odds, this solo male seeming joke entry works so well (it’s about letting go of childhood and a tribute to his father who encouraged him to not put limits on himself). The performance itself was a little less than what I’d hoped for as the staging is a lot simpler than the brilliant video. Early on there was a place for the audience to sing along… and they didn’t so he took no chances later but it did pick up and there was very high engagement by the end.

Weirdly, there aren’t any songs I really don’t want to go through (Georgia and Austria are the closest).

As it turns out Malta, Albania, Czechia, Denmark, San Marino and Belgium are out. I would gladly take Denmark and San Marino over Georgia and Austria but overall I can’t complain.

Interestingly, the Italian state broadcaster RAI “accidentally”(?) released their countries televoting results and it was a blowout for Israel (39%) with the Netherlands in second place with about 7 %. Will the Jew haters realize that their infantile protests could backfire? Will they rethink things? I doubt it…

Eurovision 2024: First Semi: The Name’s Dim… Rim Tim Tagi Dim.

“We’re back in Sweden. And I know… don’t blame me, even I voted for Finland.”

The opening lines of 2024 Eurovision (first semi-final) were a call back to last year’s results controversy and Scandinavian self-effacing pre-emptive disarmament diplomacy all in one. Well played. Then they more or less announced the theme of the night… losers matter too! There were a few performances by songs that didn’t win but were remembered…. so maybe a bit of overkill there.

Anyhoo, this is coming at a busy time of year so just down to the nominees…

Cyprus: Kind of a yawn. Sound problems (flat and muted) from the opening were still a problem here. The song and performance looked like a combination of similar dancish numbers in recent years but the costuming suggested rehearsals rather than performance. Pass.

Serbia: Dreary and muted (not counting the ongoing sound problems). Really off to a slow start here, 20 seconds in and already wanting it over. I can’t even pay enough attention to this to properly dislike it.

Lithuania: Finally! The song isn’t that great but he’s dressed in a baggy jumpsuit that looked like it might inflate and carry him over the audience like a balloon… but no such luck. Still, the dancers are dressed like giant ninja worms… so that’s something.

Ireland: I kind of like Ireland’s entry this year musically as it alternates between slow boil rage metal and acoustic plucky innocence. But the staging is… just tired. It’s all dark and satanic and witchy, a 15-year old’s idea of iconoclastic and edgy that ends up just being grotesque and boring. The news that the singer now identifies as ‘non-binary’ only adds more snooze the mix.

Ukraine: After last year’s mis-step Ukraine is back to national basics. Big East Slavic melody punctuated by a rap section that actually fits in. Ukraine has always made it into the final when it has to compete to get there and this is not going to break that streak.

Don’t cry for me, Eurovision!

Poland: After another selection scandal broke out when Poland sent this, a British song (that sounds too much as if it were written by a Swede on contract). The performer looks a bit unusual and she leans into it which is good but the sound is terrible and I’m not sure if it’s her voice (she has sounded better in other live performances) or bad mic’ing that’s to blame… And the staging is confused, there’s a chess theme with two pieces that look like towers… well that’s what it’s called in Polish (wieża) and the name of the song is ‘the Tower’ but the piece is called ‘rook’ or ‘castle’ in English so…. kind of a miss.

Croatia: Okay this is great, the song has an insanely catchy rhythm/riff that doesn’t let you go (rim tim tagi dim) punctuated by a big anthemic sing-along chorus. And they totally nail it with the best performance of the night. This is a bit like Finland last year making the audience part of the experience. I don’t see this doing super well with the juries but this is going to be in the top five televotes. I almost feel like turning off after this because I’m sure nothing else tonight will match it.

Iceland: Middle-aged wine aunt relives the music of her youth atop a small tower like structure (not that I’m counting but this is the third one so far). Very pleasant but very dated and I don’t see it going forward…

Slovenia: I often like Slovenian entries but this is neither fish nor fowl… She’s dressed in a see-through black leotard and the song is kind of dreary… I want to like it but… the heart isn’t a servant as they say here.

Finland: Big novelty number whose themes seem to be No Rules, Windows 95 and No Pants. A guy runs around with no pants as a variety of convenient items prevent the money shot. A weird mix but it works (though they messed up showing him finally putting on shorts but also revealing he wasn’t really naked which may or may not disappoint people…. it’s catchy enough, so okay.

Moldova: A perpetual favorite of mine that usually wins my heart through sincere quirkiness (much harder to pull off than ironic quirkiness). This is kind of… staid and conventional though. The song is catchy enough and she’s got a great voice and delivers but… something’s not there.

Australia was going to decolonie Eurovision or go down trying…. they went down…..

Azerbaijan: Snooze of the night… kind of slow and… I can’t pay attention… I just want to listen to Croatia again…or Finland… or even Iceland…. anything but this. Will it never stop!?!?

Australia: Fun big dance number that features the first appearance of an Australian aboriginal language at Eurovision and the first appearance by a didgeridoo player… don’t quote me on that, I would not be in the slightest surprised if this was the 2^nd (or 17^th or 34^th) appearance of a didgeridoo player at Eurovision.

Portugal: I really want to like this since Portugal usually goes hard for its local identity rather than the bland euro-nowhere sound that some countries embrace so enthusiastically…(looking at you Sweden). Anyway it’s meant to build and her voice and delivery are very good…. but… it just doesn’t land for me.

Luxembourg: Last song of the night. A big Franco-English dance number. It’s Luxembourg’s first appearance in a long time so there’s that, and it’s… it’s…. who am I kidding I got nothing… Well delivered but not really my jam.

Weirdly I have trouble picking five songs I want to be eliminated…. Azerbaijan for sure (get out! now!) a few others…. I dunno. I’m sure I will be disappointed at some part of the results.

And…. Poland, Iceland, Moldova, Azerbaijan and Australia are out….. I would much rather have Moldova and Australia over Cyprus and Serbia…

See you Friday for the post mortem of semi-final 2!

Bordering on the Insane

Starting 15 or so years ago there was a several years long push to get the idea of Open Borders into people’s minds. Proponents got a fair amount of exposure in online forums and there were debates which the Open Borders proponents inevitably lost badly. A Spergosaurus Rex by the name of Bryan Caplan, an economics professor, became the public face of the idea. He seemed proud of his total lack of understanding of human motivations and ignorance of the idea of unintended consequences.

Then, in 2015, Germany conducted a limited Open Borders experience which has been a total catastrophe with ever increasing bad results (only about half of the 2015 have ever had any paid employment in Germany and mostly that’s been in low income jobs). Germany’s tried to reinstate some kind of EU border controls but lack the assertiveness to make very much stick and are spectacularly bad at actually deporting anyone so 2023 saw large numbers of new arrivals for their welfare system to support.

It’s pretty obvious that the powers that be intended that period to acclimate people to the idea. Despite almost no one finding the concept very appealing they’ve said ‘Hell with it!’ and have decided to put the idea into practice on the US-Mexico border and have shown a high level of determination to keep it going for as long as possible.

Those who like the idea are sure to suffer no negative consequences and so anyone who can get into Mexico will now be able to hop across the border to the US where they will never be forced to leave.

Interestingly Caplan seems to have nothing to say about the current situation on the Mexican border which I take as him knowing when to be quiet (an innovation for him).

It’s the new system that has been in place for… a few years now. Ideas are floated publicly and then implemented with no particular regard for citizen reactions or real world consequences. Welcome to Post-Democracy….

Polish Protests, Competing Legal Systems and the Germano-Brussels Connection

In case anyone was wondering what was going on with protests in Poland…. this is an abbreviated and simplified version (and written with my biases on full display). So….

The previous ruling party (PiS) once hoped for a super majority that would allow them to rewrite the constitution by themselves. They never achieved this so they went with Plan B: they attempted to dismantle the existing justice system and to replace it with one that would do whatever the government told it to do. This has created legal chaos as there are essentially two separate systems functioning at the same time within the same system.

A few years ago the president (affiliated with the former ruling party) pardoned a couple of government officials on trial for breaking the law while pursuing an anti-corruption case that eventually led to the suicide of the leader of a previous coalition partner of PiS. This was weird because the verdict was not final (a verdict is final in Poland only after all appeal procedures are exhausted and this can take years in some complicated cases). Constitutional experts were divided on what, if anything, this pardon meant. The constitutional tribunal ruled that the president could do pardon them before a final verdict but it had been stuffed with compliant figures ready to do whatever they were told.

After the current government coalition came to power the final verdict in the case finally came in and both figures were declared guilty. This meant that according to existing law they were no longer able to serve as members of parliament. But the former ruling party said that because of the pardon the final verdict in the trial meant nothing. The current ruling coalition said the pardon was meaningless and the two needed to report to prison to serve their sentences.

Arrest warrants were issued for the two figures who briefly tried to use the presidential palace as a sanctuary (there is no legal basis for this). After a farce involving a broken down bus parked in front of the palace preventing the presidential motorcade from entering, police entered the premises and the two were arrested and taken to prison.

The president kept saying he had no intention of issuing a new pardon (which he could do). This would be tantamount to an admission that the first pardon was meaningless. Eventually, supposedly at the request of the two mens wives (who appeared in a…. memorably awkward press conference with the president) he said he would begin the procedure to pardon them again effectively admitting his first pardon was meaningless (and that the men have lost their positions as MPs).

Meanwhile, the aged and deranged leader of PiS decided to use the opportunity to try to fire up his base again (they have no positive agenda.. everything they’ve done for 8 years was against the previous government or other enemies real or imagined).

Now the leader of PiS hates, hates HATES Germany. No matter that it is an ally in the EU and NATO and irregardless of any attempt by Polish or German figures to work toward reconciliation he openly regards Germany as the absolute worst enemy of Poland and is constantly making the case that the whole purpose of the EU is to turn Poland into a province of Germany and he is constantly making claims in public that the former and current prime minister, Donald Tusk, former president of the European Council, of being a covert German agent in the plan to wipe Poland off the map.

So that’s what the protests were about… a criminal conviction being recast as German oppression to fire up the welfare dependent base of the former ruling party.

the Polish political scene is often infuriating or absurd or just plain insane…. but it is never boring.

What I’ve been watching: Confused Mixed-message Feministing Edition

I finally saw Barbie. I have… thoughts and unanswered questions.

From the beginning homage to Kubrick’s 2001 with little girls and baby dolls instead of pre-human hominids scratching themselves it’s not clear what the point is… I’ve heard the movie referred to as a two-hour informercial, an exercise in middle aged nostalgia and wokeness with a human face and none of those entirely fit. A student was trying to ‘explain’ the plot to me a few weeks ago and I had no idea what they were talking about but after seeing this I’m also at a loss to describe it in terms of plot. So just some random notes…

Nowhere to be seen, no love for sexually active 1950s German single girls….

No Bild Lilli: Ideally the doll in the opening sequence would have been Bild Lilli, the German inspriation of Barbie, and a little girl would have thrown a doll part into the air it would have turned into Barbie. But Mattel probably doesn’t want to be reminded that Barbie was based on a character who very obviously had an active sex life.

No love for Alan: On the whole, women hate low status men far more than they hate men who actively oppress women. No slightest bit of sympathy for the character who’s treated as a one-dimensional joke from beginning to end.

Not so funny: The first time I genuinely laughed was when Barbie tried to drink a glass of water in the real world. That’s a very low ratio for something billed, even partly, as a comedy. The other funny bits were Ken’s idea that patriarchy was about horses. And ‘Mojo Dojo Casa House’, a phrase I now love.

I now want my own Mojo Dojo Casa House….

MVPs: Ryan Gosling was easily the best in show. Margot Robbie is a few years past her peak Barbie similarity but she does very well with a physically challenging and tricky role (an actress who looked the part more might not have the right physicality to make drinking air liquids or locking up like a discarded doll seem plausible. She’s also good in her initial coming to terms with the real world. Past the halfway mark the script lets her down badly. She does what she can but…

Least MVPs: Too many to count… Will Ferrel was maybe the weakest link, but he had a lot of competition.

Biggest cringe: The dreadful and unbearable speech about how hard it is to be a woman… is it possible to blacklist whoever wrote that and keep them writing anything else, ever again? Soo stupid. Runner up: Barbie going to a gynecologist at the end…. how? Second runner up: the Barbies giving themselves awards for…. existing?

Glaring ommission: There was no slightest understanding of men or male drives or ‘patriarchy’ for all that that’s become a buzz word. The closest was Ken’s horse obsession. It’s like the people who made the movie never actually met or talked with men but had only read third hand descriptions of them in women’s magazines. It would have been much funnier if the Kens started showing an interest in things like sticks or map-making or optimizing traffic flows or upgrading vehiciles or garden maintenance.

Sex as a weapon: It’s funny that a supposedly feminism infused movie falls back on an old manosphere trope of women’s agency beginnning and ending with sexuality. The Barbies’ plan to fix Barbieworld boiled down to inciting sexual jealousy (among beings with no genitals…. so…..).

My history with Barbie: As a small child with a working mother I was in ‘daycare’ which was a local woman with a big house who ‘looked after’ a dozen or more kids every day. I remember being part of a mixed groups of boys and girls playing with a set of the current dolls (Barbie, Ken, Midge, Alan). The lady with the house sometimes told us scary adventure stories and then we acted them out with the dolls. We didn’t play dress up with them but they did spend a lot of the time naked.

Final thoughts: I have the idea that this was three or four separate projects and they couldn’t decide which to go with and so they just… mashed them up together and hoped for the best. The result is kind of an incoherent mess. But this is the age of peformative discourse and it became a major phenomenon because everybody said it was a major phemonenon.

The Return of the Juries Strike Back… Cha Cha Cha!

The Grand Final… happened. The opening number was fun an involved several iconic Ukrainian Eurovision acts.

If Eurovision happened without Verka… would it make a sound?

Now, the countries with byes…

France: This has been my favorite for months. A well-constructed number with an intro that morphs into a mid-tempo dance bop with a great bridge, ultimate high (not whistle) note and a great final chorus. The live performance was similar to the video with the singer on a pedastal (instead of being in the Eifel Tower).

Spain: The hardest ethnic entry from Spain in many, many years. A flamenco-style number that is short on lyrics but long on style and clapping. I loved everything but the singer’s big clunky white shoes… But I worry that it’s a tough sell for normie audiences.

Italy: I like the singer who’s at Eurovision for a second time. Since Italy uses San Remo as its qualifier it usually does pretty well. The song though is not as good as his first effort but Eurovision has gotten used to Italian numbers in recent years.

Ukraine: Kind of a misfire. I want to like it but it’s too…. diffuse without a foot either in a cohrent national tradition or normie international pop.

Germany: Hey, Deutschland! You need to learn to read the room, already… years ago when Southern Europe was reeling under German imposed austerity Germany sent some flaky woman singing about how she has a perfect life…. This time, to a Eurovision being hosted by a country being attacked by a genocidal maniac…. they sent a goth costume rock number with the lyrics “Blood and glitter, sweet and bitter, We’re so happy we could die”

United Kingdom: Rather like Austria this number had a fun, engaging video but this performance was way off… the vocals were… not good and the whole thing never quite took off.

Again, I think Eurovision needs to get rid of byes… 2 rounds and the top 12 (or even just 10) numbers from go into the final. Surely the big 5 and/or previous winning countries would prefer a graceful exit in the semis rather than the big public humiliation that some of them get now.

Surprisingly tasteful.

Interval act: The best interval act was a medley of songs associated with Liverpool. Despite a bad beginning (“Imagine” is not an uplifting or inspiring song… and “imagine there’s no countries” is again a bad message to send to a country in an existential war). But it got better and ended with a rousing version of “You’ll never walk alone” with a crap ton of former Eurovision performers singing to Ukraine (represented by Ruslana in Kyiv).

Interestingly the Icelandic singer was performing on the Eurovision stage for a live audience for the very first time despite being a contestant twice before (2020 and 2021 when a band member tested positive for covid and their performances were taped while the band stayed in their hotel).

Voting: The last few years have revealed a split between the juries (which prefer very conventional pop songs performed in English) and the televoters (who aren’t afraid of non-English language entries or troll entries or just zany madcap fun that the juries take a dim view of).

The last two years saw the televoters win while this year belonged to the juries. It was clear very early on that they were going all in for Sweden in an attempt to give her an insurmountable lead against the televote.

It worked. While Finland convincingly won the televote (and the live audience) it wasn’t enough to overcome the juries and Sweden won… Not long after that a conspiracy theory emerged that the ESC really, really, REALLY wanted the 50th anniversary of Abba’s 1974 victory to also take place in Sweden.

During the voting each new batch of votes for Sweden was met with the crowd chanting Finland’s “CHA CHA CHA!” (largely blocked in national broadcasts but very audible in the youtube live feed).

It wasn’t the type of finish I’d hoped for but complaining about the voting results is as time-honored a Eurovision tradition as is over-the-top costumes and iffy singing… CHA CHA CHA!!!!

Eurovision 2023: Second Semi: Bejba… kind of Krejza

Why are Eurovision Semi-Finals so…. uneven? This year the first semi got all the juice and the second got all the pulp. The first semi got all the meat and the second was… not even potatoes… maybe American white bread…

Very undistinguished and sane in the worst possible way. It’s like they wanted to turn ‘forgettable’ into an art form…

Anyhoo, here are the entries. For the first half or so the outfits often made more of an impression than the songs or performers.

Denmark: Very slight androgynous guy in a pint suit with heart cutouts…. distorted autotuned vocals a very slight tune that goes nowhere and takes the whole song to get there.

Armenia: In a white, kind of revealing outfit and the song is extremely forgettable. I mean really… forgettable. Ten seconds after it was over I couldn’t even tell you if it was fast or slow or anything about it and I’m determined not to look at the video to remind myself.

Romania: Dorky guy in a pink outfit (enough with the pink already!) It’s….. almost a song. But not quite… For some reason a gold-clad bimbo comes out and smears black paint on him… Well that’s something! Maybe they should have begun with that and I wouldn’t have fallen asleep.

Estonia: In flowing blue gown. A lot of people apparently like this entry. But then a lot of people apparently like radioactive nacho cheese sauce, so… lots of people liking it doesn’t mean ‘interesting’.

I wonder what he sees when he looks in the mirror…..

Belgium: Best worst outfit so far, a cross between a zoot suit, a gay gaucho outfit and a 1970s locker (without the plaid or stripes). The song has traces of the 1970s and 1990s before settling into a late 1980s anthemic dance groove. Not much of a voice though. The backup singers have great harmonies (whether live or on tape) and I wish they were featured more. On second thought get rid of Señor Gaucho Gay and redo the number with them front and center.

Cyprus: Finally, a more than simply competent performance. Not great…. but not terrible and so far that counts for something. Wears a black sleeveless thing and badly cut pants that make his feet look like potatoes.

Iceland: A very good Singer with an…. okay song. Best part is her dance moves that look like she’s trying for slow motion capoeira. Okay….

Greece: A sort of safari outfit (but no hat) and the least impressive vocals so far this contest… and that is sayin’ something. Really weak. Very weak. Not much of a song but the vocals still aren’t up to it.

Poland: There was a lot of controversy in Poland over the selection after a truly awful live performance during the national selection. The jury votes were over-weighted and chose her (the girlfriend of one of the judge’s sons) over a more popular androgynous guy (who was better but not that much better). On the other hand, she did produce a meme with her bad pronunciation of ‘baby’ as ‘bejba’ (bay-buh). The amount of autotune rolled out for the live performance to make her seem on pitch almost drained the UK national grid.

Poland looks for the pitch… is it up there? Down there? Where could it be?

Slovenia: Poppy, rocky kind of thing and they were dressed in a poppy rocky kind of way. Yeah. I want this to go through.

Georgia: Something in the water in Georgia? They often come up with weird stuff. This isn’t… that weird though her vocals are (purposefully?) all over the place. Sounds a bit like Poland’s entry last year but louder and faster.

San Marino: High Energy mid 1970s-ish pop rock number…. usually I wouldn’t be crazy about it. But tonight it does liven the dull proceedings up a bit. Oah…kaaay.

Ein Kontinent! Ein Songwettbewerb! Ein Schriftsteller! Never change, Austria… on the second thought maybe give change a try…

Austria: The closest thing to a troll number (like Croatia). Two women sing about Edgar Allen Poe… for some reason. Dressed in red and black and white (really Austria?). The computer graphics do what they can to make the whole thing look like a virtual and fun mini-nazi rally… (really Austria?) but the live performance lacks the manic nerd energy that made the video popular. Now that I’m here, I wonder how Edgar Allen Poe translates into other languages. His meticulous prose sets off little pleasure bombs in the brains of many American readers (at least this one). But a weird choice to focus on for Europe….

Albania: I love Albanian music but this just fails to land for me. The lead singer is dressed like a Klingon and a group of other people are mingling around including an older couple that sing a bit… the music is also mixed with elements of pop and Turkish Arabesk.

Lithuania: Another number that some people love and which I do not compute. She begins in a whispy, thin waif voice…. have I mentioned how much I hate whispy, thin, waif voiced numbers? It picks up a bit later but… too little too late.

Australia: High energy, late Duran Duran type sounding number but a bit more… rockish (I’m using -ish this year as much as Rocky Flinstone does). It’s okay which means ‘really good’ for tonight.

Results: Denmark, Georgia, Greece, Iceland, Romania and San Marino are out…. I would trade Iceland and San Marino for Armenia and Estonia… going through, but that’s Eurovision.

I’m now thinking the memorableness of the Grand Final will depend a _lot_ on the running order.

Eurovision 2023: First Semi: Slava Slavie!

Forget the Vernal Equinox, forget Easter (Catholic or Orthodox) forget May Day, if you live in Europe (especially toward the North) nothing says “We’ve made it out of winter… again” quite like Eurovision.

Last night was this year’s first Semi-final (if I’m not mistaken the stronger of the two).

Although Ukraine won last year, holding the contest in Ukraine was held to be… not possible this year. Instead, the idea is a kind of co-hosting situation, with Ukraine nominally hosting while the contest itself is held in the UK (last year’s runner up).

The Ukraine presence was a bit understated last night with only one of the three hostesses being Ukrainian but better than nothing I guess.

The ‘post cards’ before each entry shows a place in Ukraine, a similar-ish place in the UK and then a similar-ish place in the country the performer is representing.

As usual I mostly zone out during the opening and the interval acts so I’ll just get directly to the entries.

Norway: Highly placed betting pools got the unfortunate opening spot. Kind of typical up-tempo girl power number with by the numbers choreography and an amazon bondage outfit. Maybe trying to echo the Norwegian entry that won the televote in 2019 Apparently missed a high note toward the end but I didn’t really notice.

Malta: Great underdog performance. The begin standing next to cardboard cut outs of recent Malta entries and then tear into an up-beat bop (as the kids say). A bit similar to Moldova 2017 both in terms of music and performance but a lot of fun and the crowd loved it.

Serbia: Dark almost metal-esque rock ballad with video game graphics going on. Vocals were a bit underpowered. Guys dressed as cyber… soldiers? grunts? had hoses attached to their backs and were dancing around…. for reasons that probably make sense to someone.

Latvia: Nice anthemic pop song appealingly delivered…. it’s doomed. This is Eurovision not Nice-pop-song-vision. Come back when you find some dancing goats or something.

Portugal: I love this entry which is very Portuguese (in terms of instrumentation and melody) sounding. I was worried about how an international normie audience would react, especially given the minimal staging. No need, the performer has presence to spare and she easily filled the stage with her charisma and the crowd was won over.

Ireland: Big anthemic up-tempo ballad about unity. The lead-singer wore a 1970s style gold lame jumpsuit which…. I liked and it worked. The crowd loved it to pieces but this is Liverpool where over 70% of the population has some degree of Irish ancestry so that’s probably not an unbiased opinion.

This picture gives no idea about how barking mad this was…..

Croatia: What the hell did I just see. That’s not a question. It’s just my reaction. What the hell did I just see. I knew this was a weird entry from the previous video version. The live performance took that and dialed it up… way past 11 and up to about 14 and a half. Five guys dressed in trench coats and/or dresses with East European dictator moustaches singing about Mom bought a tractor over and over again while hallucinogenic lightshows are projected on the stage. Eventually a guy who looks like a cartoon villain comes out with two rockets which shoot sparklers off…. Apparently it’s making fun of dictators. M’kay… But that leaves the question… what the hell did I just see.

Switzerland: Oh god, this is dreary. After last year’s assurance that boys do, in fact, cry, this year they sent some weenie to sing about how he doesn’t want to be a soldier…. Not a good message because it’s not always up to you. First entry I just flat out dislike this year.

Israel: Kind of a generic Eurovision power ballad with lots of underpowered just baaaarely on key singing. Decides to win any wavering televoters’ attention by letting loose with a lot of low class sexy-moves®. Meh. Last year Spain won the audience’s heart by waving her booty around like there was no tomorrow and that was kind of fun. This just reeks of desperation as moves went past playful and provocative into rank biker club stripper territory. The audience does no share my reservations.

Moldova: Hard East European rhythms to pagan invocations to the sun and moon and a dancing dwarf playing a flute. Moldova… how do you do it? Per capita, no country in Eurovision punches above its weight so consistently. The lead singer does a charming little jig to the dwarf’s playing and I feel ridiculously happy in that way that only Eurovision can deliver.

I think Moldova has a lock on the gold when the olympics introduce Dwarf Dancing as a medal event…

Sweden: Past winner and current favorite to win again with a kind of, sort of, similar-ish song (but bigger and louder). There are tons of commitment to the performance. It’s very good and will score well with the jury and probably the televote. But no sparks for me… Her persona though…. a bit overly dramatic and incredibly long fingernail extensions… there’s an interesting Nora Desmond vibe that bodes well for the final.

Azerbaijan: Kind of a 90s album cut vibe to a vibey laid back song. Very…. laid back and vibey and…. did I mention the vibes? Lots of vibes with this… Nice vibes… zzzz

Czechia: All girl group singing a folk inspired thing about girl power and sisterly solidarity with super long braids which they use some in the choreography. Some controversy because the group has a russian member (who says she supports Ukraine).

Netherlands: Pleasant enough slowish number. Not too exciting. Pleasant enough…. kind of reminds me of something soft and pleasant…

I speak Eurovision so trust me, this makes complete sense!

Finland: Another favorite in the betting pools. The performer has green puffy caterpillar sleeves and a bare chest and keep shouting about cha cha cha cha cha! while pink clad dancers have maniacal grins and act out part of the movie ‘the Human Caterpillar’. His voice is a little thin in places but still, the whole thing is just insanely catchy and just plain insane and as the song ends the Ukrainian presenter seems a tad freaked out by the whole thing…

Summary: I don’t know what’s going on with Eurovision but it’s somehow managing to improve quality while still being weird and ethnic (those two factors seem to be more help than harm anymore….). The only song I really disliked was Switzerland (on lyrical grounds) and actually have a bit of trouble figuring out which songs I don’t want to qualify… which is a new feeling for Eurovision and me…

And being from Eastern Europe doesn’t seem to engender the same… scorn it did even a few years ago and that’s also new….

Results: Malta, Ireland, Latvia, Azerbaijan and Netherlands are out. I would have gladly traded either Ireland or Malta for Switzerland but other than that not much to complain about.

Sixth Sense for the Near Miss

Occasionally I have…. premonitions. For example, recently I had strong vibes that someone close to a friend was going to die a few days before they found out that an important ex of theirs had died months previously.

Maybe it’s chance and coincidence but it happens often enough that I don’t just dismiss it out of hand and it’s one of the main reasons I’m officially agnostic and not a full on atheist/rationalist.

The other day out of nowhere I had strong memories of an acquaintance of a colleague that I’d met a few times in passing. The person is extremely intelligent and unfortunately mentally ill and previous meetings had been… uncomfortable for me so it’s not someone I was hankering to meet.

Today during the break between classes I was walking through the main hall in the building I work in when this same person, looking very much the worse for wear approached me out of nowhere “Are you Cliff Arroyo?” I had to admit I was and then spent an extremely uncomfortable 10 minutes listening to the saga of an apartment he’s locked out of and he’s written about it on his blog and unreasonable family members and the vagaries of Polish law (which I admitted to not understanding). It was all delivered very chaotically in at least three languages…

I nodded and finally explained I had to get to class and got asked what type of class to be informed that he has experience in that field (I knew he does) and a suggestion (which I ignored) that he might sit in on the class. Fortunately I was saved by an elevator (he seemed afraid of them). He suggested he might wait for me after the class.

When I was leaving the building a few minutes earlier than planned I saw he was in the main hall but his back was turned and I lit out of there like a scalded duck.

I’m not proud of it, but…. it is what it is. I do feel bad for him and wish he could get help but I’m in no position to do so.