Eurovision 2022: Second Semi: I wish I knew how to quit you!

The thing with Eurovision is that it doesn’t set trends (beyond the contest itself). And the thing about popular music in general is that it’s stopped changing and evolving and is simply cannibalizing itself. I haven’t heard anything really…. original in popular music in well over 20 years. This is a roundabout way of saying that this years second semi-final for Eurovision was heavy with musical déjà entendu

So… on with the… show…

Finland: Supposedly a famous group… I hate it when famous groups appear here…. Kind of a rock thing with a heavy 1990s vibe. Next.

Israel: I’m shaken. The singer is apparently openly gay and singing about it. Is Eurovision ready for a gay performer? Anonymous dancey thing with lots of bitchy posing.

What unspeakable rite are these people taking part in?

Serbia: What’s up with Serbia… lots of crazy people there, not in harmless cute ways but kind of disturbing like they wouldn’t give a second thought to skinning you and wearing you as clothes. This might have made more of an impression had she been mic’ed properly. I… appreciated more than enjoyed it.

Azerbaijan: Generic male Eurovision ballad. Not feeling it.

Georgia: Absurd and wonderful. Musically this owes a _lot_ to New Wave (around 1980 give or take a year). One of my favorites this year but the audience is not so… impressed. I fear for the worst.

Willy Wonka and the Eurovision Song Contest…

Malta: This was…. okay…. Kind of generic Eurovision anthem about being yourself….. okay….

San Marino: The performer is a bit of a scandalist known to the audience and he wore a black see-through glitter cowboy outfit and rode a pink mechanical bull…. This is everything I want from Eurovision. Audience goes crazy. Musically it sounds like early 1970s British glam rock but turned up to 11. Thank you Eurovision for giving us this gift.

San Marino casts pearls before the swine of the Eurovision televoters (or juries)….

Australia: I’m shaken. The singer is apparently openly gay and singing about it. Is Eurovision ready for a gay performer? Generic male ballad belted out with a jeweled veil type thing and some conviction. Pass.

Cyprus: Generic Cyprus-Greek type dancey thing with a stage prop that suggests manatees, somehow.

Ireland: A fun enough girl-with-attitude number singing to an ex…. but the performer has no gay friends (or her mirror broke before she got on stage). Surprisingly joyless…

Macedonia: Kind of dreary ballad that starts nowhere and goes nowhere….

Estonia: Guy has terrible, incomprehensible English diction (I was wondering if he was singing in Estonian or Russian at first…) and he couldn’t be arsed to really pretend to play the guitar… So much wrong with this, but… I kind of love it. Strong spaghetti western vibe and the best anthemic song I’ve heard this year. I’m all in.

Tip for pretending to play the guitar… make sure your fingers actually touch the strings.

Romania: I’m shaken. The singer is apparently openly gay and singing about it. Is Eurovision ready for a gay performer? Parts of this dancey thing with lots of…. mincing… are in Spanish for some reason (I know there are lots of Romanian speakers in Spain, but…).

Poland: Kind of generic male ballad that’s high in the betting pools, for some reason. Powerhouse vocals but a bit generic.

Montenegro: Anonymous generic ballad type thing and for some reason she has a large plate type thing attached to her butt, but she doesn’t do anything with it.

Belgium: Anonymous slightly (very slightly) R&B flavored ballad. I cannot wait for it to end….

Sweden: Perpetual jury favorite Sweden with a Swedish sounding up tempo power ballad. Well done for what it is.

Czech Republic: Two members of the group are from Norway…. what can I say? A Scandinavian sounding up tempo power ballad. Well done for what it is….

Summary: Not a distinguished night (beyond Georgia, San Marino and Estonia).

Results: Israel, Georgia, Malta, San Marino, Cyprus, Ireland, Macedonia and Montenegro fail to make the cut… I’m gutted and hate Eurovision and the world on the behalf of Georgia and San Marino… I’m almost ready to declare that I’ll boycott the finale, but… who am I kidding?

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